[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
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*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Husband: *belches
Me: Exactly!
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
If you breakdance you buy dance.
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about