Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!

When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”

~ It’s all about the empathy.

My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.

So I’ve sent in my wedding album.

Me: Achoo!

People trying to scare me: Boo!

My bladder: I hate October.

I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.

Me: *stomach rumbling*

8: Why is your tummy making those noises?

M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive

fly smarter, not harder

My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.

I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.

Go to a doctor?

When there’s all this free advice on the internet?

Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.

me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?

If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”

Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.

What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?

We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.

I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.

i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”

[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men

The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.

disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project

boss: what about blood

disguised vampire: huh?

boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right

disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean

*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14

me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible

wife:

me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too

The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.

[my first day as an art teacher]

“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”

(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)

Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.

Pick it up.

Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.

Not really a humane solution in my opinion

Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.

Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”

surgeon: this man has a broken leg

horse surgeon intern: oh no

surgeon: which we can easily fix

horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?