“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
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ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10