MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
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“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.
Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.