MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
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Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch