Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!

I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list

Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.

Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?

Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.

if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing

8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?

Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?

8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.

Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?

8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.

As a doctor, I can confirm

“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”

~ Not an old Irish proverb

How to make emails sound livid:

“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”

[job interview]

Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!

“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”

*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!

Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.

He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.

What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.

What I heard: Weight loss.

*doubles dosage*

i guess his teacher was really pissed

Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.

😂🖐️

I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.

Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.

I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?

The Dark Knight Rises

Happy Tuesday

I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.

social media jobs be like:

Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?

Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business

£13k, Slough

“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”

“I meant questions about your root canal.”

“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”

When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”

Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.