Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.

Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless

Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]

[first BDSM session]

Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?

Me: fwerd

Dom: No! SAFEWORD

Me: *flinching* FWERD

*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*

My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.

Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

Believe me, I looked.

But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”

i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?

Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.

If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.

I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.

I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.

* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *

– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat

[First day at Amazon]

me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*

manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol

BOSS: Show the new guy around.

(Hours Later)

NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.

ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?

I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.

Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate

If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.

Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.

Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?

Me: Sunscreen?

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it

Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.

My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?

Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over

The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.