Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.

I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that

In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”

going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”

One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies

*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.

[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..

4: am i asleep?

me:

4: mom??

me: i…i feel like this is a trick

Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death

Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this

How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.

Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.

I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.

ME: you look great tonight

DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime

ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here

[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this

We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.

Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.

Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake

According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast

I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario

[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]

No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed

[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.

Netflix and scream at our children?!

When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.

[grocery store]

CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident

ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”

CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…

ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”

My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.

Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.

So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.

Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?

GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”

GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”

them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope