Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
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My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
*checks Timeline*…
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Doctors texting each other.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.