Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality

Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.

I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.

One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats

Things that are terrifying:

A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?

ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]

[ever so slightly later]

ME: [dying from massive blood loss]

where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.

Dog: You’re back!

Me: Yes

Dog: I missed you so much!

Me: Aww, that’s sweet

Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness

Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute

Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!

I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.

[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]

Me: hi I think we were separated at birth

Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.

HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.

I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.

I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets

genie: and for your third wish?

me: that you fall in love with me

[later]

me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list

My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body

I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv

moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for

just wait til i figure out what algorithm means

[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous

[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death

WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt

Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”

Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”

How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.

my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.

I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.

You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

Me My dog

Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.