Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …

[Movie Theatre]

Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.

8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.

Me:

Employee:

*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?

mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside

The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.

All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.

I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.

The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.

Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.

Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”

7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”

I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.

Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.

Explain yourselves.

1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.

😬

there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get

i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon

“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want

Doing my bit for the evolution of the human race by eating lots of carbs and never exercising. We will adapt

Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.

*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid

Cop: Know how fast you were going?

Me: obviously, I have a speedometer

Cop: I know that

Me: then why did you ask?

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk

jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again

i mean good morning

jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community

KID: Dad?

DAD: Yes, son

KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?

DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-

KID: Never mind

Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?

And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!

I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while