Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.

You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.

don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays

Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”

Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.

Keith: Shut it.

Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.

Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.

All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.

Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….

Me: …sweep the leg?

Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.

*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*

On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!

The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.

Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*

*gravy

Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.

[home depot]

ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock

HER: Boulder

ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK

I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.

Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.

The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal

I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]

I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.

Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.

Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons

Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.

ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies

Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.

Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.

Her: Did you just ask that woman out?

Me: Yes…

Her: And? What’d she say?

Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”

Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’