murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon đ
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :â)
You Might Also Like
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Iâm not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Iâve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Police Officer: âHave you been drinking?â
Me: âYes!â
Police Officer: âStep out of the car!â
Me: âWhy? You donât believe me?â
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, âSANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.â
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
A colleague asked me âwhatâs wrong?â, and thatâs a month of her life she wonât get back!
People with FB statuses like, âIâm so angry right nowâ, then when someone says, âWhatâs up?â they reply, âIâll text you.â WHAT ABOUT US?
iâm teaching my toddler that cauliflower is âfrightened broccoliâ and there is nothing you can do about it
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: Iâm just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: âŠ
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry theyâre not
*as I close the door* cos Iâm 35 and they donât live here
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz Iâm not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. Thatâs just ridiculous
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kidâs backpack
glass half full: Itâs only 6 days old
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Iâm really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person Iâve never interacted with or thought about before.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
âLong story shortâ makes your story three words longer.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: whatâs twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: âŠâŠ
Me: no hablo Inglés
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out thatâs all you really need.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
âGuess who got laid last night?â
[during fight]
him: Iâll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, itâs you I donât like.
That contouring makeup doesnât work on my belly.
âand thatâs why you should always put your stuff awayâ I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
I love that you can say âpardon my frenchâ and then say a swear and everyoneâs like âok, I was warnedâ but if you said âpardon my Frenchâ and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain