Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”

Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.

There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.

My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.

Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you

13yo: Unless you really want some hand!

me: *blows a raspberry*

raspberry: ah yea baby

OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!

-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.

High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can

bro: she stressing u out g??

me:

for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch

OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.

Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.

Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.

*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”

one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks

Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?

Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.

without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth

I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.

Never go to sleep after making me angry

“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.

Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.

Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?

Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can

People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.

For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.

I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.

Mmmm. Shoeshi

Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.

Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.

Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard