Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.

ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.

[spelling bee]

Judge- Your word is dirty.

Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?

Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…

Me- Does it want to be spanked?

Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.

I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.

Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*

My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”

I might be drinking too much…

[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet

My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.

I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.

Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.

I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions

Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands

My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.

Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times

If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,

OH GOD WHY?!?

Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.

People pay for feet pics on the internet

Bigfoot: I’m listening

4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.

I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.

[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”

If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.

If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.

Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?

(Item doesn’t scan)

Me: Does that mean it’s free?

Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.

Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?

“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”

* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.