MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.


I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.


I’ve never actually finished the song “Rock Your Body” by Justin Timberlake because I’m afraid I’ll be naked by the end.


Hey, John Wick, I heard the coronavirus saying bad things about your dog


I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?


“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“

Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?


Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what


I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.