@ArfMeasures

MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger

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@jakery

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

@OLDIRTYDIAPER

Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”

@Chhapiness

FaceTime with mom is a great way to see a really magnified thumb

@Home_Halfway

HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly

@U_Want_Shum_M8

I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together

@bonehugsnirony

Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no

@DitzMcGeee

actually, my grandfather died in a pumpkin spice mine, but you go ahead; enjoy your murder latte.

@timdonakowski

I should’ve been a sniper. They get to lie around all day and hardly lift a finger.

@KeetPotato

[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”