@ArfMeasures

MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger

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@PhuckedCody

me: she had wide eyes and red hair,

police sketch artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled

artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

@UncleDuke1969

“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”

@AristotlesNZ

Boss: Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Me: Not cool, dude. Jan’s just pregnant.
Him:..
Me: Jan if you report this I got your back.

@CauseWereGuys

The name CONstitution sounds so negative. Since ‘pro’ is the opposite of ‘con’ we should call it prosti….. oh wait.

@lloydrang

“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.

@Mechaniz10

She yelled another guy’s name in bed then we looked at each other. Then she finally yelled April Fool’s! Then we laughed & laughed.

She’s such a kidder..

@Jerrypleasure

date: omg are you wearing a wig?
me: yeah you got a problem with it?
date: it’s not supposed to go on your elbow.

@_SingleBabyMama

“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”

aaaaand….now I’m bald.

@chimneyspotter

WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt

@sweetmomissa

One of the only good things about being a parent of three teenagers is that they roast each other so much, I can occasionally sneak a good one in without looking like a bad mom.