MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger

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From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom


Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”


FaceTime with mom is a great way to see a really magnified thumb


HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly


I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together


Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no


actually, my grandfather died in a pumpkin spice mine, but you go ahead; enjoy your murder latte.


I should’ve been a sniper. They get to lie around all day and hardly lift a finger.


[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”