murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
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This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”
Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook