Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night

Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.

ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.

CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute

ME: sure of course no problem

Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

I lost 7 followers today.

It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets

You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.

Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.

Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.

Her: What do you do with the time saved?

Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?

The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.

There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.

my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.

Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”

*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*

Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house

What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?

In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes

*spelling bee*

“Your word is disaster.”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”

Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around

do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”

I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea

That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.

GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right

What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?

Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.

How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.

[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Clark Kent: kryptonite

Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?

Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa

Me: it’s bed time!

My kids: PARKOUR!