Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.

Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.

The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.

Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present

me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind

i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey

Me: And when there was only one set of-

Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!

you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise

Girl: do you have a condom?

Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen

*hears a knock on the door

4: daddy I think I started a fire

Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)

There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:

The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.

I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.

You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet

When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.

I remember when all this was farmland!

*gestures toward internet*

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

“How stressed are you?”

Me:

[Me in a horror movie]

*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*

ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo

KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*

ME: holy shit

WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!

[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.

Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?

*meanwhile across town*

Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.

When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”

NETFLIX: Are you still watching?

Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.

i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory

Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.

Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.

One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher

Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.

Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.

Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.