Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏

Me: You have bruises??

Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.

[First date]

Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”

Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”

Breaking news:

My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.

Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?

Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.

Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Helicopter pilot: …no.

Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”

It’s like grandma always said…

Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !

Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.

When a new bird species visits your bird feeder

fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin

I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it

Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.

Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.

Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”

Friend: are you mad?

Me: what no

Friend: you look mad

Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.

ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.

“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”

-Oysters

[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…

I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time

Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?

I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.

I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!

I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.

My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.

2017: It can’t get worse than this

DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment