Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?

[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school

TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.

Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.

My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”

Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.

I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.

they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter

There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.

Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.

So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?

I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.

As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.

A woof in sheep’s clothing.

*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate

[at Dr. appointment]

Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.

Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING

There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few

My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.

She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here

She does not

trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive

The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars

Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?

Effort made

Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die

EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears

ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…

I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.

Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do

[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.