Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.

[date night]

me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here

gf: we are in your apartment

me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door

i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica

Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches

Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff

[first day on bomb squad]

blue red yada yada yada i get the gist

“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.

Denise please return my vape pen

I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.

My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped

That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.

born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life

Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.

Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.

Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.

HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk

How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?

Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?

Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.

Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.

I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur

My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.

[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven

Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.

When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.

Cop: You’re wanted for murder

Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?

Cop: What?

Me: Huh?

[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words