murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
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[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away