Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?

Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.

I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.

Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.

Bringing back this classic

Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….

It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!

Humans are creative.

[Extremely heavy metal voice]

HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY

Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.

We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”

So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.

Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.

“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”

That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name

“Donkey”

My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’

I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.

interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]

This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣

In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.

{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.

My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.

I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.

I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.

Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.

handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat

JK it’s spam

ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse

FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?

ME: grow up Kalvin

My neighbor still has their Christmas tree in the window when am I supposed to call the police?

Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it

Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious

Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary

Employee: sir, this is a haunted house

Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary

I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.