Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes

Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow

you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.

Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.

Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.

Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.

When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.

The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven

Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”

Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life

Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.

#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.

[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th

*Now with 50 percent less fat*

Me: ooooh *buys two*

-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale

I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…

I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread

I sexually identify as a hand grenade

If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff

He’d keep us in line

Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing

I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.

Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?

I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”

I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms

student: now what?

driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn

stndent: ok

Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.

Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements

Officer: oh no

Hostage: oh no

Kool Aid Man: OH Y

Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.

Sam: No one else is here.

Sam: You’re here.

Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!

Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!

I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup

Every time my phone rings