Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail

I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂

I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.

Sometimes it’s in my bra.

Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.

police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.

If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery

love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes

For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.

I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.

Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child

Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.

“Your parcel is out for delivery.”

I bet the first person that had a flush toilet in their house were mocked by someone saying something like “Ooh, Mr fancy pants is too good to shit in a bucket and throw it out the window. Ooh”

If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.

So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi

Genuinely no idea what to expect here.

My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life

No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.

Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup

Her: Do you like this outfit?

Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?

Her: Changing.

Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!

Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.

BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop

[I die and appear in a mysterious place]

me: woah, is this heaven or hell?

guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine

me: must be heaven!

guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique

me: aw hell

Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing

ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait

I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.

Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?

I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…

I call it my jingle bell rock.

[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.

I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.

Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions

Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.