Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.

May he RIP in peace.

I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.

Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.

My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.

Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.

Friend: You’re writing a book?

Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.

We told you to stop at 2012

– the mayans

I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.

Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.

Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”

Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!

oops! 5 second rule!

oops! 5 second rule!

Pick up, table two

I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?

Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!

Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife

8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this

What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.

Daughter: *calling up the steps

Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.

Me: *appears wearing just a toga

All set.

Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta

Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.

6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher

Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?

6: Chick-fil-A

I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.

Did not finish.

*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*

*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*

Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*

“Okay.”

Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?

My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness

FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”

Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?

a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE

The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.

Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.

My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.

The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.