Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!![]()
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Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”![]()
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster