Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.

And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony

[Jeopardy]

Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.

Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.

Me: [buzz] what is summer.

Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.

Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.

If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.

This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.

Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.

My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.

Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.

When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.

I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.

My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.

I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.

Me: *drops mic*

Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!

I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that

Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.

I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.

*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*

I was living in the moment until I was evicted.

Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits

People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?

The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’

I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?

If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.

Light as a feather, smorg as a board

No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.

Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.

Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.

HER: I think we should break up

ME: But…why?

HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue

ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction

HER: Or both

Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!

Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.

me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm