Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
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Okay this one takes it home
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
How to woo a woman
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
#oldknees
