Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer

[5:30 AM alarm goes off]

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?

If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV

Her: What are you thinking about right now?

Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss

there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them

Son: daddy why is the sky blue?

Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled

my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds

Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.

who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.

[first date]

Him: Let’s take the stairs!

Me: I think we should see other people.

You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person

LMFAOOOO

Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*

Wife: So…what do you think?

Me: I asked for an iPhone

Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.

Me: *winks*

Him: *googles signs of a stroke*

“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”

Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..

I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not

Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.

You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you

I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”

there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry

It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.

That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.

you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar

There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?

and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work