Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
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As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
For the fourth year in a row my 9yo asked for a go-cart for Christmas. They’re only $1500, he says.
Don’t worry, everyone, he said we don’t have to get him anything else. Just the go-cart will be fine.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
I like crazy people until they notice me
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK