Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
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I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
when dads have a rap battle
Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.
Owl Sanctuary
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.