Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
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I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
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me: *drops banger tweet
them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers
me: *drops another tweet
them: oh, I see
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Merica.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
twitter users today:
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Would make a brilliant taxi driver
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.