Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.

[during sex]

Can you please take your Fitbit off.

It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.

It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.

I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.

Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.

Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.

I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.

found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today

This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃

If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.

a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.

My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes

My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.

Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….

How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?

“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.

“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”

– me, as a proctologist

I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.

How to pet your cat:

1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong

[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it

Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.

Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.

My ex’s were all super hot

I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling

“How do you speak with an American accent?”

“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”

Boss: What are you working on?

Me: Something I have limited time to finish.

Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.

Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]

My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.

I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.

[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens

Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.