Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.

How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?

“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”

I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.

What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?

“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information

Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.

My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup

P Diddy or P Didn’t he?

Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.

me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?

clerk: going camping?

me: no

Rules for rap battling Eminem:

1. Do not let Eminem go first.

2. Do not let Eminem go second.

2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.

What do you do when your nose goes on strike???

You picket…

How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?

People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.

“No way.” -Jose

Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’

You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.

[Plays air guitar]

[Dodges air panties]

I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of

1-year-old: *screeches*

3-year-old: *screeches back*

Me: What’s wrong?

3: We’re dinosaurs

I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.

AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?

ME: No, I was happy with my first try.

My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.

Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.

Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.

me: i just quit cold turkey

turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change

can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise