Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
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Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.