Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
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HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Employees must applaud the planets.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.