Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.
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I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Kinda lame that pretending everything is fine isn’t working
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
I have never related to anyone more.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.