Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
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FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
shit just got real
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
All generalizations are stupid.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”