Me: I’m going to be healthy
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Murderer:You can’t hide from me!
Murderer:BOOM BOOM BOOM LET ME HEAR YA SAY WEY-OH!
Me:WEY-OH! God Dammit.
You Might Also Like
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
I only discriminate against people who discriminate. I’m basically the Dexter of discrimination.
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
“Pick a pencil. Look at it. Now put it back with the other pencils. Was your pencil the number 2?”-Steve, shitty pencil magician
I’ve been hit on by a number of women. That number is zero.
My black friend asked me if there was a colored printer in the library. I said “WTF man, it’s 2015. You can use whatever printer you want.”
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked