@Poutymcgee

Murderer:You can’t hide from me!

Me:*hiding*

Murderer:BOOM BOOM BOOM LET ME HEAR YA SAY WEY-OH!

Me:*sweating

Me:

Me:WEY-OH! God Dammit.

You Might Also Like

@MAKJ

Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream

@MarfSalvador

Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir

Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?

Wildebeest: 4,000

Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!

@daddydoubts

*first time in a long time at the dentist*

Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.

Me:

Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.

@Michael1979

If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up

@Sarcasticsapien

I only discriminate against people who discriminate. I’m basically the Dexter of discrimination.

@notacroc

[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite

@ibid78

“Pick a pencil. Look at it. Now put it back with the other pencils. Was your pencil the number 2?”-Steve, shitty pencil magician

@dugglebutt

I’ve been hit on by a number of women. That number is zero.

@AsphaltFarmboy

My black friend asked me if there was a colored printer in the library. I said “WTF man, it’s 2015. You can use whatever printer you want.”

@Chhapiness

My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked