murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
5 ways to appear taller
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Seductively sings in Klingon.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Safety first
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
