murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
I love art.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
