murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry
someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.
A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
*ernest hemingway voice*
