murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
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“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”