murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.

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ME: *holding door wide open for her*

HER: Are you saying I’m fat?


Pretty disappointed that Shakespeare’s Hamlet didn’t turn out to be the story of a delicious tiny ham.


someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.


My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave


me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this

my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired


I dropped a total of 13 pounds over the weekend and no longer work in the maternity ward


“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.


Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names