Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!

“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question

[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..

Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this

If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.

“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.

Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.

[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.

astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely

we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”

Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking

If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.

Teacher: Write what you know.

Student: *writes “what you know.”*

idk flipping houses looks really hard

[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died

Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.

I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.

I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.

But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying

All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.

me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand

My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.

Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast

I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.

Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE

Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?

Dad: Well it’s in my blood

Dr: do you know why you gained weight?

*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*

Me: no, better run some tests

I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough

Cop: Pull over

Me: you cold bro?

one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs

“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”

– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy

Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.

[pulled over]

Cop: Have you been drinking?

Me: No

Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on

I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.