Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
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her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why