[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
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Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
December birthdays be like…
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked.
It was earie.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.