[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
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“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Human are so complicated
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Sign of the day..
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.