Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
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*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Only you can prevent podcasts
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
I hate everything
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop