Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
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I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Hot hot hot 🥵
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh