Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
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[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.
This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Haha good job!!
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”