Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
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Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
