Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
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ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.