Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
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Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.