Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
You Might Also Like
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins
Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.