Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*

Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.

[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?

Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now

There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.

Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.

Me: Are you mad at me?

Wife: Eventually.

Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.

As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.

My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor

*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.

To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.

WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait

I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.

Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.

Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know

Me: Oh yes! I do know them!

Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂

Me: oh God no

i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.

It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.

Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.

People underestimate the Pacific.

Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English

i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.

Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.

I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.

I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.

me: doctor said I have to stay in bed

boss: how long?

me: just a normal bed

I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook

Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”

I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”