museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
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If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
There’s never enough good news
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!