Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
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Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?
me: i gotta fight you for them?
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.