Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.

*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form

They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this

Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.

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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium

To make a long story short:

Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die

oh u like history? name everything that happened

Me after 1 airport cocktail:

Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?

Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick

Cop: *on radio* get the feds

Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it

[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes

Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.

There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention

The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me

Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.

me *swallowing pride*

baby lion: holy shit

All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘

My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now

If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

Bad joke of the day:

How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.

I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.

there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter

I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.

Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”

Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches

We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch

My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”

And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”

I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.