Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.

Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.

I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.

Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?

An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.

A PEZimist fills it with candy.

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.

I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything you have in the house

– cook two to fourteen hours.

Start of the article: but what if only three people read it

End of the article: at least only three people will read it

I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.

I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.

People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.

“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination

That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..

In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.

Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*

Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?

Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.

Me: What music you into?

Date: I love hip hop

Me: Yeah me too

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin

BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat

ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*

BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?

Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.

“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”

*Gas station attendant nods*

“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”

You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks

I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip

Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?

Guy: One ton

Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy

TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos

If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…

Maybe he’s not the only idiot.

Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean

Voila

Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten

Ah quiet

It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.

Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.

My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal

[job interview]

“Have any questions?”

Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?