Museums are a joke like please don’t steal this old shit nobody would never use
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Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
dog: [brings sticks inside]
me: no that belongs outside
me, at Christmas time: [brings entire tree inside]
dog: what the actual shit is this
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.