museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
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[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
stages of moving house
1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen
Ok cat haters, explain this…
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
“Shall we proofread this before posting?”
“Fuck it.”
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”