Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!

Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope

*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*

Me: How romantic.

*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*

Me: WTF

There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.

[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

Still hold my high school’s record for shortest javelin toss.

I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.

I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.

Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.

I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.

Me: I want to travel

Bank account: Where? To work?

I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.

Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.

why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane

[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]

An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.

👀

I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.

Always leave the cult better than you found it.

A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.

Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.

dentist: have you been flossing?

me: yes 🙂

dentist: your mouth?

me: no 🙁

When I retire I’m going to run from office.

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…

My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.

Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.

To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰

[War in Heaven]

Lucifer: You must choose a side.

Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?

“My phone is blowing up!”

*2 unread messages*