museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
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Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.