[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
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having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
waiting for halloween be like:
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
me when i see my girls butt
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
🙁
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts