Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
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1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.