Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.

I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried

i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure

if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body

(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon

Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans

Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?

Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.

[INTERVENTION]

Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.

Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM

I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.

Remember during Covid, if you had family over for Christmas the police would show up and make them go home?

Does anybody know if this service is still available?

Thanks in advance.

At my funeral take the bouquet off my casket and throw it in the crowd to see who next

Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?

*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*

Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.

When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.

At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.

Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.

Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.

“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”

~ The person that is wrong

If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.

[touring our solar system]

alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?

guide: all but one

alien: what’s better than gods?

guide: *checks notes* dirt

Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.

Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.

What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.

Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.

I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.

And that is why she will always be my favourite child.

If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.

Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues

The truth will set you free.*

*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.

[shopping]

[wife being a real pain]

Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?