Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.

You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them

One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…

Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.

FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.

The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.

“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”

-Oysters

My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.

I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.

tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽‍♀️

ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in

SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin

“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.

Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.

my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”

[Creating Humans]

God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.

Angels: Why?

God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.

Angels: Lololol.

God: I hope they call it a funny bone.

me: help, my house is burning down!

mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it

BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT

the saddest jazz hands ever

There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.

I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.

My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.

[enter password]

*Correct*

[your password is incorrect]

Me: ahh that’s right

*incorrect*

Login Successful

Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.

Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*

Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this

Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm

Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.

Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person

This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely

Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.

ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.

INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.