Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.

[Camping]

Her: You didn’t bring food?

Him: No

Her: Or toilet paper?

Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?

Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.

Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm

Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go

Kid: why do I have to do that?

Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies

Kid:

Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust

My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.

I think this means he wants me to talk to him.

Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded

Loan officer: What’s your social?

Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.

PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”

They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”

That suggestion has holes in it.

Maybe she’s losing it.

Maybe it’s quarantine.

Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early

I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.

When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime

ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?

Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man

Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.

I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.

Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!

I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.

Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.

Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related

me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak

I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.

Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.

Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.

My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?

Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*

I’m being attacked 😭

why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism

I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.

I took biscuits with me on a date once.

She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.

A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”