Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you

Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?

Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?

Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?

My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.

We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.

We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.

That sums up parenting pretty well.

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?

Because the rest were not-E.

Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.

Executioner: This is literally your last meal.

You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check

Them: Mr. Scholl-

Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR

Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s

so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.

My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package

My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.

13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.

I’ve got some sick beats.

No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.

Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week

*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers

Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.

Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”

*gets into canoe*

Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!

*gets out of canoe*

I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.

I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.

Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”

Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.

Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.

[job interview]

Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?

Me: No.

Him: What’s your salary requirement?

Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.

europeans read a lot because their television shows suck

nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence

I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.

You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”

I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.

Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.

I am, perchance