Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
You Might Also Like
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is my trunk open?
Cop: no.
Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse