Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”

I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.

127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can

12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?

Me: Because I love you.

Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.

A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”

I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”

Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”

*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*

I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting

best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets

(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.

You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien

“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.

My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.

She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30

*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05

Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.

I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”

Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.

Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok

Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.

My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.

KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when

[several hours later]

KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when

I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better

DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts

ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady

[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring

Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.

[god, creating ducks]

Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know

Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.